October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. When we think about domestic violence, we may think first about visible injuries. But abuse is not always visible, and recognizing that something is wrong in a friend’s relationship is not always straightforward.

Maybe their partner seems increasingly controlling, jealous, possessive, or isolating. Maybe your friend has changed in ways you cannot explain. Or maybe you simply feel that something isn’t right.

If you are concerned, pay attention to that feeling. You do not need to see physical evidence of abuse to offer care and support.

Your support can make a real difference. Believe your friend, respect their choices, and focus on their safety rather than pressuring them to leave. Abusive partners often isolate the person they are controlling from friends, family, and other support. Remaining a steady, trustworthy presence can be especially important. Resist the urge to push for an immediate solution as leaving may be a dangerous time for those experiencing domestic violence and may require careful safety planning.

What to Say

If you suspect abuse, your objective is not to convince your friend to leave. Being a safe and supportive person throughout their journey is critical. Create an opening to talk, listen without judgment, and let them know you are there.

Choose a private time and place away from their partner. Remember that phones and other devices may be monitored, so don’t assume electronic communication is private.

Try:

• “Something has been worrying me. I care about you. Is everything okay?”
• “You haven’t seemed like yourself lately, and I wanted to check in.”
• “I’ve noticed you seem worried when your partner texts and you don’t respond right away. Are you okay?”

If Your Friend Discloses Abuse

Listen more than you talk. Believe them, and avoid asking why they stayed, returned, or haven’t left.

Simple responses can mean a lot:

• “I believe you.”
• “This isn’t your fault.”
• “You don’t deserve to be treated this way.”
• “What would be most helpful right now?”
• “Do you feel safe right now?”
• “I’m here, whatever you decide.”

Your friend may not be ready to talk about or recognize what is happening. Don’t push. Leave the door open and continue being their friend. Staying connected can be meaningful when someone else is trying to isolate them.

Where to Get Help

You don’t have to support your friend alone. The Philadelphia Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-866-723-3014, can also help friends and family concerned about someone.